By Jimbo Garrison
Special to YNOT

ANHUI, China – For most observers, a recent report about an incident in which hardcore pornography was played on a large LED screen inside an Anhui mall is a throwaway story, another opportunity to giggle at a random erotic mishap with no greater implication than the momentary discomfort of some Chinese shoppers.

In truth, however, the public display of pornography is never an “accident,” but an act of inoculation, a means by which the shadowy overlords who rule the planet can further numb the blissfully ignorant masses in an ongoing attempt to control their minds by first ruling their genitals.

While it’s tempting to accept as coincidence the growing number of public porn displays we see reported in the news, be it on screens near hospitals, at funerals or at other Chinese malls, the sheer number of these incidents rules out the possibility of mere chance being their source.

Naturally, with coincidence eliminated as a potential explanation, the fundamental rules of logic dictate only one conclusion: We have stumbled across a massive, highly coordinated global conspiracy, perhaps the biggest and most troubling since the profoundly suspicious 1961 merger of the Frito Company and H.W. Lay.

In evaluating the who’s, what’s, why’s and how many aliens in this conspiracy, it’s important to understand the location of the various porn incidents is no accident, either.

While China, India and Pakistan (the nations that have experienced the most public porn “accidents” in recent years) are socially conservative, it’s unlikely anybody there would have their hands or heads lopped off if they were to be outed as the person responsible for projecting the porno, as they might in Saudi Arabia, Iran, or Sumiton, Alabama.

As a result, these events are observed and heard about by a great many people — China, India and Pakistan are three of the world’s most populated countries — while not generating enough controversy to result in an investigation that would threaten to uncover the underlying conspiracy.

The conspirators behind all this public porn broadcasting (whose identities I will soon reveal, assuming I’m not murdered by their henchmen before I finish typing this post) also know the real target of their porn-driven mind control, the American people, tend to laugh at porn-related news from other countries, mostly because it gives them an excuse to do bad impersonations of people with funny accents. Americans aren’t allowed to do that after getting off a tech-support call, because political correctness is ruining everything. (Don’t take my word for it. Ask Donald Trump.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember now: the Yangtze River.

The shadowy overlords behind all this public porning understand if they want to control the world, they need ownership of more than our minds and genitals. They also need power — by which I mean energy, literal power, not figurative power over human beings.

Despite what you may think, the Yangtze River and the Yellow River are not the same thing. Because the Chinese like to confuse us, they call the Yellow River the “Huang He,” while the name of the river that actually starts with the letter ‘Y,’ which would obviously make more sense to serve as the Yellow River, somehow means “Long River,” which is just a stupid thing to call a river. I mean, of course the river is long. If it were short, it would be the Yangtze Stream.

Whatever it’s called, the Yangtze is home to the biggest hydroelectric power station in the world, the Three Gorges Dam.

In addition to producing a ton of electricity, the Three Gorged Dam’s other positive effects including displacing 1.3 million people during its construction, increasing the risk of nearby landslides on an ongoing basis and being the largest structure in China without a portrait of some pinko Chinese commie leader on it.

Anyway, once they’ve pacified the famously restless Chinese people through constant exposure to pornography, the shadowy overlords will expand their influence to the south and west, or south and east, or in whatever directions they need to expand in order to reach India and Pakistan. (What am I, an atlas?)

After infecting India and Pakistan with the porn plague, their next targets will be the other big dogs of global population, like Brazil, Indonesia and — sooner than you might think — the U.S.

People who live near major dams, nuclear power plants or wind farms should be the most vigilant for signs of the conspiracy, while simultaneously averting their eyes from any big LED screens that might be displaying hardcore porn at the time, naturally.

It occurs to me as I finish this post that I haven’t yet revealed the identities of the conspirators behind the Global Porn Takeover as I promised, and I fear I may not have much time before they burst through my door and end my life in a fusillade of bullets, poison darts, microwaves, tactical nukes and other tools of the assassin’s trade.

Given my presumably limited time left to live, I will stick to naming only the “head of the snake,” as it were, the three people most responsible for the conspiracy, the true triumvirate of terror: Gary Oldman, George Soros and my new neighbor, Ted.

If I survive the night, in my next post I’ll explain the sinewy connective fiber of conspiracy and intrigue that ties these three so-called “men” together — and prove beyond any doubt they are actually Reptilian aliens who are directly responsible for all kinds of horrible, evil things, like 9/11, bicycle shorts, reality television and the ludicrously large fine recently levied against me by my homeowners association.

Jimbo Garrison is a dedicated private investigator, fearless truth-seeker and renowned expert on every known modern conspiracy, from the assassination of Mahatma Gandhi by shape-shifting aliens to the attack on Benghazi coordinated by the Federation of International Polo.