This is the third in a series of helpful responses by YNOT’s own Ben Suroeste to readers with porn problems, smut conundrums, obscene challenges and other indecent issues that “Abby” bitch will never understand.

Dear Ben: I’ve been trying to figure out why, despite the fact I’m a straight woman, I prefer lesbian porn over hetero porn.

The odd thing is, I’m not at all attracted to women, even the three or four with whom I had sex back when I was in college and went down to Cabo San Lucas on Spring Break, then ran into some scumbag named Joe who had a video camera, gallons of tequila and a great big party bus.

Why is it I prefer lesbian porn over straight porn? It’s not like the guys who perform in straight porn all have horrible cop mustaches like they did in the ’70s. So, what gives?

By the way, I’ve already tried asking the same question to an oddly-named physician, but he responded with a wall of text that was beyond TLDR and so filled with pop psychology mumbo-jumbo I just couldn’t deal with it.

Sincerely,
Concerned in Columbus

Dear Concerned: First of all, don’t worry. It’s totally normal and fundamentally rational for straight people to prefer lesbian porn.

For starters, most of the women in so-called “lesbian” porn aren’t really lesbians. They’re super-hot straight porn stars who don’t mind fingering each other so long as they’re getting paid to do it.

Second, all of our brains are hard-wired to find women more attractive than men, because they just are. Let’s face it, even the most handsome and hard-bodied porn stud looks like an idiot when he’s fucking and a thousand times worse when he’s ejaculating. For some reason, many porn directors cut to a shot of the dude’s “Oh face” as he’s cumming, which makes everybody want to puke, not just straight guys.

Of course, it’s also possible you’re a closet lesbian. The best way to find out for sure, though, is not to watch lesbian porn, but to make some. Just find a friend who’s open to the idea, have a few drinks, turn on a camera and get busy.

Naturally, you won’t be able to tell whether you’ve made hot lesbian porn just by watching it yourself, because you’re not qualified. Luckily for you, there are true experts in porn out there like me, who will selflessly subject ourselves to your maiden voyage as a lesbian porn star and provide invaluable feedback.

Here’s the best part: If you appear to be completely miserable and full of self-loathing during your first attempt at lesbian porn, there will still be a significant market for the video. While many straight women like yourself prefer to watch porn in which the female performers appear to be enjoying themselves, a lot of straight men get extremely turned on by the sight of a woman losing her shit and bawling uncontrollably.

Dear Ben: My situation is too freaking weird, I swear. I’m an out-and-proud gay man, but for some reason I just can’t figure out, I like watching my neighbor suck off her husband through their bedroom window even more than I like watching gay porn on the internet.

Am I a closet straight person, a creepy Peeping Tom, or is this kind of thing more common among gay men than I realize?

Please help.
Conflicted In Connecticut

Dear Conflicted: Come on, Dan — enough with the subterfuge and BS, already. I know it’s you and like me, you live in Waco, Texas, not way up north in Hartford or some shit.

How many times have we talked about this, dude? If you want to watch Sarah suck my dick, it’s totally chill and no problem at all. But, for the sake of human decency, please pay the price of admission. You don’t seriously think we let Sam, Mark, Tina, DeShaun and the rest of the goddamn neighborhood sit there masturbating on our sofa every Tuesday and Thursday night for free, right?

I’m running a real, honest-to-God, illegal underground live-sex business here, not a fucking porn tube site. Stop pulling on your cock for a second and whip out your wallet, you cheap motherfucker.

Dear Ben: I’m very concerned about my wife, Tina. Every Tuesday and Thursday night, she claims she’s going out with friends to play Pub Trivia at a local bar, but she comes back smelling like she’s been at some kind of live sex show, not drinking beer and eating pretzels.

We used to watch a lot of lesbian porn together, but lately she seems to have lost interest in it. The other day, I checked her browser cache and there was a ton of amateur blowjob videos in there. Should I suggest we watch some blowjob videos together, or will this just reveal that I’ve been snooping on her and break her trust in me?

Please advise!

Sincerely,
Worried in Waco

Dear Worried: This one is a real stumper.

Seriously, I got nothing — except I feel, very, very, very strongly you should never follow Tina on a Tuesday or Thursday to see where she goes. You need to trust her when she says she’s playing trivia with her friends, not sitting on a couch somewhere watching some guy get his cock sucked.

Whatever the problem is, odds are it has nothing to do with that sort of thing. Even if it does, you can assume the kind of people who put on illegal underground sex shows employ well-armed security guards to patrol the property for intruders, despite anything folks in the local LGBTQ community might say to the contrary.