“From what I’ve gleaned, whoever she is, Brexit must be hotter than fuck!”

WARNING: SATIRE AHEAD

NEW YORK – As an American, I’ll admit I don’t pay much attention to news out of Europe. Shit, for that matter, I don’t pay attention to things happening in America, other than the ongoing efforts of a certain disturbingly orange New Yorker to make it great again.

To be honest, all I know for sure about things which have happened in Europe over recent years is the entire country of Greece somehow went broke at the same time, some Danish cartoonists severely pissed off a whole lot of overly-religious people, and Iceland must have done something truly terrible to England on a football pitch in late June, judging by the amount of Iceland-and-football-related weeping which has swept the country since then.

What I do pay attention to from day to day, however, is my server stats, especially when it comes to traffic hitting my sites as a result of clicking links in the Google SERPS. Looking at the data from last week, these stats have left me with one big question on my mind: Who the fuck is this “Brexit” chick and why are English porn surfers so obsessed with her, all of a sudden?

I don’t really have time to read whole articles, or to do a bunch of online research, but from what I’ve gleaned, whoever she is, Brexit must be hotter than fuck, because her name recently overtook “porn” as the #1 search term.

At this point, I’m tempted to picture Brexit as someone with Kim Kardashian’s ass (the photoshopped version, naturally), Kate Upton’s breasts and the face of Catherine Zeta-Jones – except those are reflections of my own tastes, not something which necessarily matches the tastes of the general public, many members of which have all the taste and refinement of a Midwestern trailer park. As such, maybe instead I should be picturing the face of Anne Coulter, the breasts of Rush Limbaugh and the brain of Sarah Palin.

Of course, porn fans aren’t always swayed by beauty, because when it comes to performing in porn, a naughty disposition is arguably more important than good looks. So maybe Brexit is not so much an overwhelming babe as she is an insatiable slut?

To test this notion, I tried inputting various permutations of common sexually-explicit search phrases including Brexit’s name, like “Brexit gangbang” and “Brexit anal” and “Brexit + clown nose + garden hose + Don Knotts + carrots + facial cumshot” but the results only left me more confused than I started.

For example, given the currently immense popularity of all three, how can there be NO pornographic videos out there on the internet which contain Brexit, carrots and Don Knotts? I mean, what is this world coming to? WTF has happened to Rule 34?

Ultimately, it might not matter, because for as big a spike in Brexit searches as there has been recently, it seems to be dying down already. Maybe Brexit was just the porn version of a “one-hit wonder” – kind of like The Proclaimers, only with dicks in their mouths.

I hope this isn’t the case, though, because as I type this, I have a team of SEO engineers concocting spider-friendly pages dedicated to drawing in Brexit fans from all over the world. We’re working especially hard to target the UK in particular, where there appears to be the greatest degree of curiosity about this presumably gorgeous and/or massively promiscuous performer, as well as a corresponding interest in another newcomer to porn, a performer who cryptically goes by just her initials, “E.U.”

When it’s all said and done, maybe this Brexit girl will be just another flash in the pan. But it’s also possible she’ll prove to be the next Jenna Jameson – by which of course I mean she’ll eventually write a couple bullshit books, hook up with an MMA fighter whose forehead is 17 inches high, get addicted to painkillers and take up cyber-bullying as a hobby.

Either way, whether Brexit continues to sit at the top of the charts, or falls ignominiously into post-porn obscurity, I’m going to be ready – because with the execution of a single, carefully executed global search-and-replace maneuver, all my Brexit pages can become Margot Robbie pages in a heartbeat.