Warning: satire ahead.

By Dewey Truman
Special to YNOT

EDINBURGH, Scotland – According to published reports that were entirely too dull for me to read all the way through, the alma matter of former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is gearing up to become a porn studio…or something.

Fettes College in Edinburgh (which is probably somehow pronounced “Lester” by British people) currently appears to be a school of some kind. All male Fettes students evidently are required to wear the same striped purple blazers, which clearly encourages equality by making everyone look like a complete twat.

To help in its transition to porn production studio, Fettes has brought in an “internet porn expert” named Mary Sharpe, who in addition to being a lawyer also heads something called The Reward Foundation, which I’m pretty sure is a cross-sale focused adult website affiliate program of some kind.

“These schools realize the damaging effect hardcore pornography can have on their pupils, in terms of their mental health and their studies,” said Sharpe, presumably explaining the need to for the next generation of British directors to make better pornography.

Despite her credentials, not everyone is sold on the idea Sharpe is truly an “expert” when it comes to the impact of online pornography. For example, Dr. Len Scrafter, an optometrist who seemingly maintains offices in every major American city, disputed Sharpe’s claims about the effects of porn on pupils.

“While we have observed temporary dilation of pupils in porn-viewers in clinical tests, this could have more to do with the low-light conditions in which porn is often watched than any direct, organic effect porn is having on sphincter or dilator pupillae,” Scrafter said. “There’s also no truth, by the way, to the oft-repeated urban legend that excessive masturbation causes people to grow hair in their sclera.”

A source close to me at the time I wrote this paragraph said classes given by Sharpe at other schools were “brutally direct,” whatever that means. The source also claimed people’s pupils “were all chatting about [the porn class] afterwards,” which seems pretty unlikely, because based on this schematic, it’s pretty clear pupils don’t even have mouths.

Parents I spoke to, meanwhile, had mixed feelings about the idea of restructuring a school so as to be dedicated to making better pornography.

“While I’m definitely in favor of schools teaching students how to make better porn, I think we should all be concerned about them being taught to make such porn by someone who thinks eyeballs can talk,” said Theresa Margaret Maythatcher, who doesn’t have any children attending Fettes, but sure sounded pretty British to me. “I certainly hope she’s more learned about the structure and function of human genitals than she is our ocular system.”

Raheem Ross Rooney-Rose, a man who says he used to be four different professional footballers before getting “smashed together by a giant Icelander,” said he’d rather see the school take a strong stance against online porn, rather than teach students how to make more of it.

“This idea of teaching Fettes students how to make porn is complete bollocks,” said Rooney-Rose. “Everybody knows they can’t compete with the schools in Bucharest, anyway. Better we should teach these students practical things that will help them succeed in the real world, like the finer points of literary interpretation, or how to get yourself a cooking show in which you get to berate everyone working in the kitchen like you’re a profane, mean-spirited marine drill sergeant and they’re a character played by Vincent D’Onofrio.”

Dewey Truman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.

Image: Fettes College by Kim Traynor.