LONDON – If you follow porn-related news, then you’re well aware porn turns its male viewers into mindless automatons hell-bent on sexually assaulting every woman, animal and material object in their path. Did you also know this same pornography turns men into inert sex-spuds incapable of arousal unless they’re actively watching a woman be debased and violated with a spatula, wrench, baseball bat or elongated vegetable?

I’ve come to London to discuss this bifurcated debilitation with Dr. Gail Dense, an academic, feminist, anti-porn activist, author, filmmaker and expert on which kinds of sex are (and aren’t) healthy, normal and socially acceptable, and Verbena Limberger, a former escort who recently retired after a long and fruitful career “doing severely naughty things” to members of the UK Parliament, professional footballers, rock-and-roll musicians and other common socio-sexual deviants.

“Pornography is the single biggest threat facing humanity today,” according to Dense, who said the porn industry secretly pays billions of dollars annually to keep the international media focused on stories of lesser importance, like terrorism, climate change and the presidential election process in the U.S.

Limberger agreed, noting that in the latter years of her sex work, many of her clients couldn’t achieve an erection unless they took Viagra and used a tourniquet of rubber bands at the base of the penis to keep the flow of blood from reversing.

“When I first started out, a lot of men ejaculated in their pants before I’d even removed my coat,” Limberger said. “Now, a mere 35 years later, they’ve been so badly warped by internet pornography that most of them can’t orgasm at all unless I slap them on the scrotum with a ping-pong paddle while furiously tugging on their penis and repeatedly telling them to take out the trash right now, or mommy is going to be very upset, all at the same time.”

While Dense believes prostitution is a form of “spiritual murder for all involved,” she said she applauds Limberger for coming forward to speak the truth about porn turning men into “sex-crazed lunatics with retarded libidos.”

“Porn has made men so thirsty for deviant sex, they can no longer have normal, healthy sex,” Dense said. “I mean the kind of sex that would be normal if it weren’t for the fact all sex with men is, inherently, an act of crass, capitalistic exploitation and humiliating, misogynistic debasement, obviously.”

Making matters worse, Limberger said the natural tendency for men to be “dumber than their own clothing” renders them unable to recognize the true nature of the problem, leading many of them to think their inability to become aroused has something to do with Limberger herself, rather than the damage done to them by internet porn.

“I had one bloke tell me — get this — I was ‘just too old’ for him,” Limberger said. “I told him if that’s how he felt, he could go straight back to Sussex, where he takes a class at university from my grandson, and demand a full refund for the six minutes of conversation for which he would be receiving a bill, and just see how far that gets him.”

Daniel Flimshaw, one of Limberger’s former clients who “only occasionally watches” online pornography, said he’s unsure whether his inability to reach orgasm with Limberger was really a matter of having been warped by porn.

“The fact is, no matter how fit and tight she might be, I eventually grow rather weary of shagging the same bird, no matter who it is,” Flimshaw said. “Whether I realized it consciously at the time or not, I figure this is why I started employing Verbena’s services in the first place — an attempt to rescue my gradually withering bollocks from the stultifying doldrums of married sex. After a few dozen trips inside her, though, I think the old boy betwixt my legs began to think maybe she was my wife and just sort of rebelled, you know?”

Dense, however, termed Flimshaw’s explanation for his sexual failures “typical masculine misdirection” and “the worst kind of victim shaming.”

“Women have an inalienable right to be viewed by their partners as the only sexually arousing entity on the face of the planet and the absolute, unfailing loyalty which comes with such recognition,” Dense said. “Besides, men only think they’re sexually unsatisfied because porn has programmed them to believe it to be the case.”

Over time, the “virtual dissatisfaction” caused by porn builds up, Dense said, eventually releasing itself in a torrent of sexual violence directed at “anyone or anything unfortunate enough to be nearby a man in the throes of this licentious epilepsy.”

Inevitably, Dense said, unable to contain the sexual desire they no longer feel, men then “go out and rape a computer.”

“Anybody who says this sort of thing isn’t happening millions of times per hour, all around the globe, is a paid liar who is in the pocket of the porn industry,” Dense said, “along with decades’ worth of semen-infused tissue fragments and other capitalist lint.”